Category Archives: love

Chasing Happiness

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meant to be

As February and Turner Syndrome awareness month comes to a close, some old debates in the Turner Syndrome community rear their ugly heads.  Every now and then, someone brings up the subject of how women with Turner Syndrome are portrayed in popular culture.  Believe it or not, Turner Syndrome is portrayed in popular culture with varying degrees with accuracy.  Some stereotypes do more harm than good.

One of my old favorite TV shows, Law and Order:  SVU, once aired an episode named Clock with a protagonist, 17 year-old Janey Speer, with Turner Syndrome.  Originally Stabler and Benson believe that Janey is the victim, but soon it becomes much more complicated than that.  Inaccuracies relating to Turner Syndrome aside, the way in which Janey’s boyfriend is treated in the episode is particularly troubling to me.  Essentially he is treated as a pedophile.  Connor’s motives for being with Janey and going along with her plans – and they are certainly her plans – are continually questioned due to the fact that Janey looks so much younger than she actually is.  Janey’s emotional and intellectual maturity is never mentioned.

The episode is also troubling because nothing is mentioned about hormone replacement therapy and suggests that most women with Turner Syndrome have a short window in which to become pregnant.  I understand that this piece of information drives the plot; however, I worry that it gives younger girls with Turner Syndrome false hope.  While this may be true for an extremely small percentage of women with Turner Syndrome (less than 5%), it certainly isn’t the norm.  This fact was never mentioned in the episode.

There is one particular scene in Clock that I love though.  When Janey is the hospital and her entire plot to become pregnant comes to light, someone mentions that women and girls with Turner Syndrome are extremely stubborn.  While it is fair to mention that I would have been extremely stubborn anyway given family history, I love the idea that it is a trait of women and girls with Turner Syndrome.  Why wouldn’t we be?  We have to fight that much harder to get what we want out of life – and I see nothing wrong with that.

Another well-known portrayal of Turner Syndrome in popular culture, Gwen in The Condition by Jennifer Haigh, is much more realistic in my opinion.  There is a scene in the beginning of the novel where Gwen is compared to her slightly older female cousin.  That scene sticks with me because it is precisely what I did at that age.  While the way in which Gwen’s family deals with the fact that she has Turner Syndrome is extreme and appears false to me, I love Gwen’s reaction to it all.  She comes across as the most levelheaded person in her family.  Ultimately, she realizes what she is missing in her life and pursues it with all that she has.  Her decision to risk it all for love by uprooting her life and starting over in the Caribbean is one of the most personally satisfying endings to a novel that I have ever read.  It is something I would consider if I were in Gwen’s situation.  I couldn’t help but cheer for her sheer force of will to be happy.

Everyone seems to have a different opinion about Clock and The Condition.  I admit that both have their issues, but it still amazes me that Turner Syndrome is portrayed in popular culture at all.  What impresses me is that girls and women with Turner Syndrome are largely shown to be strong willed and determined to let nothing stop them from achieving anything.  It may come across as naïve or overly optimistic, but I would rather be determined than resigned.  Resignation never helped anyone.

Caribe

Be Who You Needed When You Were Younger

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be you

This meme has stayed with me.  The message “Be Who You Needed When You Were Younger” can mean so many things.  For example, does it mean to be the parent I needed when I was younger, or does it mean to be the teacher that I needed when I was younger?  Does it mean to be the friend I needed when I was younger?  It can mean all of those things.  What I also love about the message is that it means different things for everyone who reads it.  I had wonderful parents, grandparents, teachers, and much more growing up.  I never lacked the adult support I needed as a child and later teen.  That said, no one is perfect.  There are gaps and holes due to the fact that we are all individuals.  If I took a few minutes, I could easily come up with ideas as to what that meme means to me specifically.  I love the idea that by cultivating those areas one will be in a better position to help children and teens like ourselves.  That is largely why I am going back to school to earn my teaching certificate:  I care about teenagers and want to help them succeed.  By taking the time to figure out what we were missing growing up, it is easier to discover what children and teens today might need.

I also can’t help but relate this to a conversation I had with a friend yesterday.  She and I discussed how we tend to box ourselves into the many roles we play in our lives.  For example, when I am at work, I act a certain way.  When I am at home, I act another.  Neither is truly my authentic self.  She asks the question why can’t we be consistent?  What is stopping us?  For her, this means juggling the roles of mom, pastor, wife, and writer.  Oddly enough, this made me realize just how soon my roles will change.  Soon I will be business owner, teacher, and hopefully, mom.  While I will remain a writer, I will no longer primarily identify as a student.

As I thought more about this topic, this appears to be more of an issue for women than men.  Let’s face it:  Our society still expects women to do it all, or at least try to do it all.  There isn’t nearly as much pressure for men to be perfect parents, look a certain way, or create a home.  It is sad, but I still see so many women act surprised when men are wonderful, involved dads to their children.  It should be expected, not treated as something rare.  By the way, I know so many wonderful dads.  It isn’t rare.  What doesn’t exist is a man or a woman who can do everything well all at the same time.  There are, and have to be, trade-offs.  Choose wisely.

I am lucky – damn lucky.  Most people don’t get the opportunity to do it all over again.   Over the last few years, I’ve taken the opportunity to figure out exactly what I want, made decisions on how it will all fit together, and pursued those new goals with everything I have.  I am not there yet, but I am well on my way.  I am grateful that I’ve had such wonderful role models, namely my parents.

Why I Am Glad I Am No Longer in My 20s

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Over the last few days I’ve struggled with precisely what I would like to say in this blogpost.  Recently I found out that one of my young cousins is not entirely happy at Michigan State.  In fact, she is considering transferring.  My heart breaks for her because I have been there.  She is considering leaving MSU because most of her friends are attending another university.  After thinking about it for half a second, I realized that I had once been in her shoes.  I remember all too well what it feels like to feel so alone among tens of thousands of students.  Unfortunately, I was so far along in my programs at MSU that transferring would have been extremely unrealistic.  Add to the fact that the people I wanted to be with most were in Austin, Texas, it was not a good situation.  I admit that I fought back tears as I left Austin.  Somehow, I made it through the last year and a half at MSU, even though it lead me to make the worst mistake of my life thus far:  my ex.

When I originally decided to leave Michigan State to complete an internship, a full year of study abroad through MSU, and then a six month co-op in Austin, Texas, I never once considered how it would affect my friendships.  I left MSU in May 2001 and didn’t return until January 2003.  When I returned, I was not prepared for how difficult it would be to readjust to campus life in East Lansing.  I wasn’t prepared for the deep loneliness that set in.  In making the decision to follow my dreams of beginning my career in supply chain management and completing two separate semester long study abroad programs, I lost most, if not all, of the friends I had made my first two years at Michigan State.  It also strained the few relationships I had maintained from high school.  In fact, one of my best high school friends married while I was in Spain.  She asked me to be in her wedding, and frankly, our relationship was never really the same once I was unable to do so.

All of the separate programs I participated in were wonderful, and each new experience brought a new set of friends.  Yet, it wasn’t until those last three months in Austin (September – December 2002) that I felt truly at home and truly happy.  Then it was time to go home and return to MSU.  I can finally admit to myself that I was deeply unhappy my last year and a half on campus.  As I admit that to myself, what would have been the solution?  I had to finish my degrees.  I can’t imagine how I would have had to upend my life if I had decided to permanently move to Austin and transfer to the University of Texas.  At the same time, my deep unhappiness lead me to a romantic relationship that was entirely wrong from the beginning.  There just wasn’t an easy answer.

It is for that reason that I wouldn’t want to give advice to anyone in a similar situation.  There are trade-offs for everything.  I can’t go back and change the past.  My education certainly isn’t wasted, even though I am not working in supply chain.  As much as it pains me that I lost so many friendships when I decided to pursue all that I did, I do not regret one single experience I had at Michigan State.  All of those experiences made me the person I am today.  To all of those 20-somethings facing these type of decisions, best of luck.

30s

 

Women Need to Just Stop Judging Other Women

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mom

Adele Is Freaking Feminists Out and I Love Her Even More for It – Chicks on the Right

Since when are the decisions individual women make for their lives up for general debate?  It happens every single day as far as I can tell, particularly if said woman happens to be a mother.  Men are not subjected to downright mean spirited questioning of their personal decisions once their children are born.  Women certainly are.  In fact, there is currently a post on BlogHer in which a mother discusses the judgement she faced from other women in the face of a necessary C-section.  You can read the article here.  I am not a mother yet, and I still see the debates and judgements happening every single day.  Breastfeeding, immunizations, working mothers, school choices, C-section versus natural birth, etc.  The list is endless.  Is it anyone else’s business other than the family and individuals affected?  It shouldn’t be.  People make different decisions for a wide variety of reasons.

That is where Adele comes in.  She recently stated that she didn’t fully recognize her purpose in life until she became a mother.  I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of the idea.  She simply is suggesting that she views motherhood as more important than her singing career.  She isn’t saying that all women need to feel the same way.  She isn’t saying that her singing career isn’t important.  She is merely expressing her personal views on HER own life.  That’s it.  I admit that I haven’t personally seen the backlash that she has received for this interview, but I can easily imagine it.  That sad part is, there is just as much backlash against anyone who suggests that women can be just as good of mothers when they decide not to stay home with their children.  No, I am not joking.  This isn’t the 1950s, and there are people who truly believe that people (let’s be realistic here, mainly women) need to choose between career and being a good parent during the first few years of a child’s life.  In fact, I came across just such a Facebook post by a stay-at-home mom yesterday.

In this post, the author of this Facebook post commented on an article titled The Loudest Silence I Ever Heard by Travis Norwood.  She goes on to state that the article, which discusses severely neglected children in a Kazakhstan orphanage, proves that CIO (cry it out) is harmful to children.  The article, which is disturbing and deserves its own blogpost relating to adoption, isn’t the issue.  The issue is this woman’s reaction to it.  She questions the ability of children raised by working parents to form healthy relationships and basically function well in society.  She truly believes that it is a necessity for one parent or another to stay at home with their child at least until age three.  Excuse me?  What about parents who must work?  What about single parents on every level?  Whether this woman realizes it or not, she just heaped a ton of guilt on parents who simply do not deserve it.  Does she not see that most of these parents have the best interests of their children at heart as well?  Does she not know any successful women who juggled career with raising children?  If not, I feel sorry for her.  I know so many.  In fact, most mothers I know do just that.  Successfully.

When will it stop?  I am sick of women using up so much time and energy to tear down other women who happen to do things differently or make different choices.  It is one thing to discuss why you made the personal choices you made.  It is quite another to suggest that those choices work for everyone.  Can we just stop pretending that everyone is the same and there is only one way to be successful?  It is particularly bad with regards to parenting.  There is more than one way to be a wonderful parent.

mom 2

Adele

The interview that started it all.

Lost

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path

I am caught between being mentally ready to move on with the next part of my life and still having so much to finish before I can do so.  Frankly, I am bored.  I miss my writing classes.  I am ready to teach.  While I haven’t thought about it much since I’ve gone back to school, it is becoming clearer every day that I need to move on.  It isn’t nearly as noticeable in my education classes, which are composed of a wide variety of people who are largely non-traditional students.  In fact, if I would guess, I would say that most students in those classes are in their mid to late 20s.  They are just mature enough to make things interesting.  They at least have some life experience.  There are some who are traditional students, but it is by no means the majority of students in my education classes.

My one and only Spanish class this semester is a different story all together.  I am the old lady of the class.  Last night, before class, I just sat back for a few minutes and listened to my classmates talk.  I saw an earlier version of my self reflected in their mannerisms, their speech, and their topics of discussion.  I couldn’t help but wonder what I was doing there among them, and yet, I also found myself grateful that I am no longer the naïve young college student who hasn’t experienced much of life.

Sadly, this year has not gotten off to a great start.  My best intentions at the beginning of the year simply are not enough in the face of personal struggles.  I struggle to get caught up with my course work, and while I am not truly behind, my heart is not fully in it.  I would love for my heart to be in anything at the moment.  That is the issue at the moment:  I am well on my way to creating the life I want for myself, but I am not at the point where I can make the big changes yet.  I just have to hang in there and finish what I’ve started before I can move on.

I play around with the idea of moving to a city, usually Austin, Texas, and starting over yet again.  It is a fantasy, of course.  I could not do that to my parents, my siblings, their families, or my grandmother.  There is the business to think about, as well as finishing my education.  At the same time, it would be much easier to actually have a social life.  There just aren’t many single people my age without kids where I live now.  How am I supposed to ever have a social life?  I have friends.  Mostly friends with families, including young children.  It just makes it that much more difficult to actually do things together.  I know how to meet people – IF there are people to meet.  There is no set way to deal with my life the way it is now.  There is no set script.  I can’t point to one thing and say “Oh, OK.  This is what I need to do.”  I am not going anywhere, but I wonder if I’ll ever find someone to share my life with here.

butterfly

The “L” Word – Love

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love

There is no more loaded and misused word in the English language than love.  This post, as much as I wish it could be about romantic love, is about the everyday love that gets people up in the morning.  The thing is that I would not be here or in the position I am now if it were not for the love of several people in my family – namely my parents and every single one of my grandparents.  I realize that many people can say that, but not all.  Also, I have the unique perspective of being able to directly tie my future to the love and support of my parents and grandparents.  If it weren’t for my family, I would not have been able to go back to school to pursue my teaching degree.  If I am able to fully realize my dream of being a high school teacher, business owner, and mom, it certainly won’t be due to my efforts alone.  Only the love of several people could help me accomplish those goals.

When I first began thinking about this post, I couldn’t help but think of my Grandma B., my maternal grandmother.  She passed away in 2014 just as I was beginning my second college career.  She most definitely approved of my plan.  When I finally have my first classroom, I know that she’ll be watching over me from wherever she may be.  Education meant that much to her.  My other grandmother, Grandma R., values education every bit as much, but never had the opportunity to obtain a college education.  Even at 91, she reminds me at least once a week that she loved school, and she tells me old school stories that I’ve heard too many times to count.  I love it because I will never forget them.  In some ways, I feel as though I am getting an additional opportunity at a college education that she never had.  If I eventually do adopt, my child(ren) will know all about them and the profound influence they had on our entire family.

What frustrates me at the moment is that I so badly want to give back what has been given to me.  I want to help someone achieve their dreams.  I am just not there – yet.  I am not in that position – yet.  I have so much love to give and, as of yet, no family of my own.  I am simply way too impatient.