Lately I keep thinking of one of my Grandma R’s favorite sayings: Don’t wish your life away! As a teenager, I hated it. At the time, I loved to pretend that I didn’t fully understand its meaning – or, more accurately, that it didn’t apply to me. As with any other teenager, I couldn’t wait to grow up. What was I thinking?
Even now, I can’t resist. I’m naturally impatient (thanks, Mom!). I am always ready to move on to the next big thing. Right now, I can’t help but think of what the next stage of my life will bring. I just want to be a teacher already. I want to concentrate on my career, not my own education. I want to concentrate on creating a home instead of writing papers. I want, I want, I want.
Why can I just enjoy what is happening now? Why does it always have to be “I’ll do this when …” or “if __________, everything else will fall into place”? I need to just enjoy the process – the actual hard work. Soon I will miss the longs days I put in completing projects and papers for my classes, especially those that required me to use my creativity. When Grandma is no longer with us, I will miss those trips to visit her. One day, I will miss spending Sundays with my Mom too. Why is that so hard to keep in mind?
How do I stop the urge to get ahead of myself? I do it time and time again. It is half the reason why I can be such a procrastinator at times. When I am truly excited about something, I get so far ahead of myself that I can go no further. I then have to wait until I can take the next step. By that time, I’ve moved on to something else, and I find myself cutting it close when it comes to finishing what I started. Each time, I swear it will never happen again.
My impatience gets the better of me. Over the last decade I’ve watched as family and friends married and had children. I kept asking myself when will it finally be my turn. I don’t anymore. Does it still hurt? Yes, but … I’m no longer waiting on someone else to make me happy. If my ex-boyfriend and I had married back when we intended to get married, nearly a decade ago, I can’t imagine how miserable I would be. I probably wouldn’t be pursuing a new career. We’d still be arguing about adoption. I admit it: Not getting married – and even breaking up with my ex – is probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. This leads me to another one of my Grandma’s favorite sayings: Be careful what you wish for.