Category Archives: future

Lost

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I am caught between being mentally ready to move on with the next part of my life and still having so much to finish before I can do so.  Frankly, I am bored.  I miss my writing classes.  I am ready to teach.  While I haven’t thought about it much since I’ve gone back to school, it is becoming clearer every day that I need to move on.  It isn’t nearly as noticeable in my education classes, which are composed of a wide variety of people who are largely non-traditional students.  In fact, if I would guess, I would say that most students in those classes are in their mid to late 20s.  They are just mature enough to make things interesting.  They at least have some life experience.  There are some who are traditional students, but it is by no means the majority of students in my education classes.

My one and only Spanish class this semester is a different story all together.  I am the old lady of the class.  Last night, before class, I just sat back for a few minutes and listened to my classmates talk.  I saw an earlier version of my self reflected in their mannerisms, their speech, and their topics of discussion.  I couldn’t help but wonder what I was doing there among them, and yet, I also found myself grateful that I am no longer the naïve young college student who hasn’t experienced much of life.

Sadly, this year has not gotten off to a great start.  My best intentions at the beginning of the year simply are not enough in the face of personal struggles.  I struggle to get caught up with my course work, and while I am not truly behind, my heart is not fully in it.  I would love for my heart to be in anything at the moment.  That is the issue at the moment:  I am well on my way to creating the life I want for myself, but I am not at the point where I can make the big changes yet.  I just have to hang in there and finish what I’ve started before I can move on.

I play around with the idea of moving to a city, usually Austin, Texas, and starting over yet again.  It is a fantasy, of course.  I could not do that to my parents, my siblings, their families, or my grandmother.  There is the business to think about, as well as finishing my education.  At the same time, it would be much easier to actually have a social life.  There just aren’t many single people my age without kids where I live now.  How am I supposed to ever have a social life?  I have friends.  Mostly friends with families, including young children.  It just makes it that much more difficult to actually do things together.  I know how to meet people – IF there are people to meet.  There is no set way to deal with my life the way it is now.  There is no set script.  I can’t point to one thing and say “Oh, OK.  This is what I need to do.”  I am not going anywhere, but I wonder if I’ll ever find someone to share my life with here.

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The “L” Word – Love

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love

There is no more loaded and misused word in the English language than love.  This post, as much as I wish it could be about romantic love, is about the everyday love that gets people up in the morning.  The thing is that I would not be here or in the position I am now if it were not for the love of several people in my family – namely my parents and every single one of my grandparents.  I realize that many people can say that, but not all.  Also, I have the unique perspective of being able to directly tie my future to the love and support of my parents and grandparents.  If it weren’t for my family, I would not have been able to go back to school to pursue my teaching degree.  If I am able to fully realize my dream of being a high school teacher, business owner, and mom, it certainly won’t be due to my efforts alone.  Only the love of several people could help me accomplish those goals.

When I first began thinking about this post, I couldn’t help but think of my Grandma B., my maternal grandmother.  She passed away in 2014 just as I was beginning my second college career.  She most definitely approved of my plan.  When I finally have my first classroom, I know that she’ll be watching over me from wherever she may be.  Education meant that much to her.  My other grandmother, Grandma R., values education every bit as much, but never had the opportunity to obtain a college education.  Even at 91, she reminds me at least once a week that she loved school, and she tells me old school stories that I’ve heard too many times to count.  I love it because I will never forget them.  In some ways, I feel as though I am getting an additional opportunity at a college education that she never had.  If I eventually do adopt, my child(ren) will know all about them and the profound influence they had on our entire family.

What frustrates me at the moment is that I so badly want to give back what has been given to me.  I want to help someone achieve their dreams.  I am just not there – yet.  I am not in that position – yet.  I have so much love to give and, as of yet, no family of my own.  I am simply way too impatient.

The “L” Word – Lying

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It cracks me up how a blog post evolves over time.  I’ve been meaning to write a post entitled The “L” Word discussing my political views, which have taken on an increasingly libertarian bent (hence the “L” word).  As I thought about the post, I realized that I could write a completely different post with the same title.  Instead of libertarian, the “L” would stand for love.  It is almost Valentine’s Day after all, even if my personal life appears to be permanently on hold.  Yet, I still believe in love.

The funny thing is that I kept thinking about possible topics for this blogpost; I couldn’t help myself.  The title could certainly refer to lying as well, as in how we all lie to ourselves.  Now that I have at least three topics, it’s turned into a series of posts.  Let’s get started:  It is time to talk about the lies we tell ourselves.

The sad truth is that if a person believes something will NOT happen, it never will.  For instance, I somehow convinced myself that choosing to live in my hometown permanently means that I will never meet the right man.  Will it be more difficult?  Probably.  The thing is that I don’t know what the future holds, and yet, I automatically tell myself that I will be alone the rest of my life.  I simply have to trust that there is some larger plan out there.  Unfortunately, I have to keep reminding myself that anything can happen.  The larger question is why do we do this to ourselves?  I know I am far from alone.  The false narratives need to go.

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The High Cost of (Not) Being Yourself – Part 2

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What It Means to Just Be Yourself and 3 Ways to Do It – Tiny Buddha

All this week I’ve been thinking about what it means to be true to yourself.  It is something I’ve struggled with lately.  For example, I’ve given a lot of thought to the type of man I would want to date.  There are a few things I know.  First, he will have to love to read and at least highly value education.  The first realization I came to in the aftermath of my breakup with my ex is that I am still attracted to intellect.  I need something interesting to talk about, something that goes beyond pop culture and a glossing over of current events or sports.  Second, I also recognize the importance of being at least understanding of each other’s political views, no matter how different or similar.  Unfortunately, many people wonder why there isn’t more actual political debate, are upset by that fact, and yet shutdown anyone with an opposing viewpoint.  The reality is that it is difficult to understand my political perspective unless you understand how growing up in a small business affected my outlook on just about everything.  The thing is, I don’t fit the traditional political paradigm well, which is another blogpost entirely.  The point is that I know exactly what I want now.  It just feels impossible to find the right man given where I live.  Then I ask myself, does it really matter?

It doesn’t matter.  If I do end up alone, so be it.  I’m used to being alone.  I know what it is like to be in an awful relationship long after its expiration date.  My entire life I’ve paid an extremely high price for being myself.  Over the decades I’ve grown, but I’ve always been true to myself, even though it may have cost me everything I thought I wanted.  I hope that one day it will pay off.  I know of no other way to be.

Lennon Quote

The High Cost of (Not) Being Yourself – Part 1

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David Bowie

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted? – BlogHer

You Need to Take Care of Yourself First – BlogHer

Just when I feel hopeful about the future, reality seems to rear its ugly head.  Lately I’ve been reminded time and time again that I need to take care of myself first.  That is all well and good, but I need people in my life.  I know I can get wrapped up in my own life to the exclusion of all else (with the exception of my family), which is why I worry that I’ll end up alone in the end.

How do I let go of that almost paralyzing fear that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life and yet concentrate on myself?  Maybe that is exactly what I need to do at the moment.  I am tired of living in a society focused on narrow measures of beauty and success.  None of them apply to me.  They never have and they never will.  Where does that leave me?  I don’t exactly know.

I know that I need to create my own path.  Unfortunately, that is precisely what intimidates some people, even though that is the only option I’ve ever been given.  Then again, why should I care?  The people who understand are the only people who matter.

Adoption and Single Motherhood – Part 2

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BlogHer – I Want to Adopt and Become a Single Parent Someday – Stephanie Dolce

I decided to break this blog post into two parts because I feel there is one overwhelming issue regarding adoption that Stephanie Dolce addresses in her post that deserves its own response from me.  All of the myths surrounding adoption – many of which make the adoption process more difficult – need to be addressed and discussed openly.  Unfortunately, it seems as though there is still stigma associated with adoption.

In particular, Stephanie addresses the high cost of adoption.  In reality, there are a wide range of fees associated with adoption.  They vary widely depending on how one choses to adopt.  What most people don’t realize is that there are many reasons as to why and how people make the decision to adopt a child.  Some chose to become a foster parent first.  Others chose international adoption.  The length of time it takes to complete an adoption also varies widely depending on the type of adoption and the adoption law in the state where the adoption takes place.  The process can be so complicated and shrouded in mystery at times that it makes it extremely difficult to make generalizations.

I believe that was Stephanie Dolce’s point.  There just needs to be a lot more open discussion about adoption in general.  There are so many children that need homes, we don’t need to make adoption more difficult than necessary.  Like Stephanie, I wish there was much more discussion on the topic.  Everyone needs to know that you don’t have to be perfect to adopt.  Pregnant women dealing with an unwanted pregnancy also need to recognize that they don’t have to have an abortion.  Placing a child up for adoption is a possibility.  I’m not sure what it will take for people to discuss it more.  It breaks my heart.  I realize that adoption doesn’t always work out and that it isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t the best possible outcome in some cases.

Adoption and Single Motherhood – Part 1

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BlogHer – I Want to Adopt and Become a Single Parent Someday – Stephanie Dolce

Well, it is time to address the BlogHer article that piqued my interest in the first place.  I saved this particular blog post for last (last of the articles I came across late last week) because it hits so close to home.  Even though Stephanie and I may have differences regarding dating and the possibility for a meaningful relationship (more on that later), we share so much.  Where to begin?

First, Stephanie never shied away from her love of children.  She discusses her years spent as a teacher and coach, all that she has given to children in her life.  That just wasn’t the case earlier in my life.  During my 20s, I let my issues surrounding infertility get in the way of my love for children.  I simply thought that it hurt too much to spend day in, day out with kids not my own.  Well, I can’t believe just how wrong I was.  I finally got over myself and realized the truth that I am meant to be a teacher.  I am meant to make a difference in the lives of children.  I just wish I would have discovered that little gem of self-awareness earlier.  Then again, everything happens for a reason.  All of my experiences in business – good and bad – have made me who I am today.  I doubt I would be planning to take over my parents’ business with my brother if I didn’t have all of that business experience.

Speaking of my brother, Stephanie’s statement that her love of children began with her younger brother rang true to me.  Did I want children of my own before my brother was born?  Yes; it is one of the first and only things I wanted out of life.  However, when my brother was born, I was ten years old.  There was enough difference in our ages that we weren’t necessarily playmates.  My younger sister (three years younger) and I were each other playmates.  Instead, my brother taught me what it is to care for a child.  As his babysitter, I would make him bathe and help him fall asleep.  As his older sister, I made sure he had the opportunity to spend time with me during my college years.  I taught him to appreciate classic cartoons such as Looney Tunes and The Jetsons; he taught me how to ski.  In other words, he will always be my baby brother.  Nothing can change that.  No matter how many children I adopt, he will always be my oldest child.  If one day I am a successful parent, I will have my brother to thank, along with my parents, grandparents, and sister.

If I don’t at least attempt to adopt as a single woman, there will always be something missing in my life.  I think this is exactly what Stephanie is feeling as she approaches 40.  It is what I felt as I approached 30.  It is what gets me out of bed in the morning.  It is the reason why I decided to change careers and go back to school.  Everything in my life – at least anything worthwhile – relates to my dream of creating a family of my own.  Everything.

As a single woman, that dream becomes infinitely more complicated when it comes to the topic of men.  Stephanie comes across as extremely pessimistic when it comes to dating, particularly for a self-described love and relationship advice columnist.  Why?  Why not leave open that possibility that you will meet the right man, even as a single mom?  It might take more work to find the right man, but it can be done.

This is what I am struggling with at the moment:  Making room for others in my daily life.  As I go about creating a life I love, the life I’ve always wanted, I need to find ways to ensure that I am not getting too wrapped up in myself.  I need to make time for others, make sure that I am available.  How will I ever find the right man if he thinks I am too busy for any kind of meaningful relationship?  What kind of mother would I be if I put myself before my child?  Unfortunately, it can be too easy to shut the most important people out of your life, even if that isn’t your intention at all.

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Starting Over (Again)

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There are times when it seems as though everything surrounding you is trying to drive home a point.  Over this past week, I’ve given a lot of thought about what is holding me back from achieving everything I want for my life.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that I’m letting my past get in the way of being truly happy.  No matter how many wonderful things happen in my life, there are certain areas of my life I don’t even want to think about, much less address.  Why?  It is one thing to understand this intellectually, it is quite another to act, to truly put the past behind you.

In the middle of thinking about all of this, a few friends of mine, weeks apart, have picked up on the fact that it is time for me to do something about a certain situation in my life.  They may have different advice and broach the subject differently, but the message is the same.  Unfortunately, it is time.  I am just all too human and afraid my efforts will all come to nothing once again.  Where do I even start?

Maybe it is beyond time to just not worry about any of it anymore.  I think I will just try to have more fun and not take things quite so seriously.  As with anything else, it is much easier said than done.  So much is set to change in my life in 2016, why not everything else?  One of these days I am bound to get it right.

starting today

Happy New Year’s Eve!

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NY 2016

Even though I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions, I can’t help but look back and look ahead on New Year’s Eve.  In general, 2015 was a much better year than 2014.  I didn’t lose anyone close to me.  No major breakups.  There were even a few highlights, including taking a much needed vacation with my Mom, spending more time with my family (Mom in particular), and meeting so many great people in my teacher education program.  In 2015, I formally began my teacher education classes and completed my writing certificate.  I also completed my requirements for my honors program certificate.  2015 brought many endings as well as new beginnings.

I am convinced that 2016 will be even better.  My brother Garrett and I will finally purchase the family business from our parents.  In May, my brother and his girlfriend are expecting their second child, a boy, who will be named after my grandfathers.  This fall I will be student teaching.  In December, I will finally earn my teaching certificate.  No matter what else happens in 2016, and I am sure it will have its ups and downs, at least there are some wonderful things in the works.  Happy New Year!  I wish everyone the best for 2016.

NY 2016 2

Home

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I am not one for New Year’s resolutions. Instead, I rather concentrate on creating good, sustainable habits. Those take time and patience. If I state that I will do this or I will do that, it is simply asking for failure. In 2016, I will simply concentrate on the word home. Even though I’ve lived in the same house since the end of 2012, I have yet to make it my home. It is my grandparents’ home and the house my Dad grew up in. I’ve lived there alone since the beginning of 2013, and yet, it is still very much my grandparents’ house. It is time to make it my own. I started the process last spring, but became so busy that I haven’t done much of anything since.

As a busy college student, I’ve concentrated on my classes above anything else. The last thing I wanted to do was look at all of the projects awaiting me at home. Instead, I packed up my backpack and headed to the university library where I could concentrate on my work, ignoring all that needs to be done at home. Well, this is my last semester as an undergraduate student – minus student teaching. It is time to start concentrating on the next phase of my life. It is time I created a space for myself.

During my years in Bay City, I didn’t do much to create a home for Brian and myself. I always kept thinking that we’d get married and buy a house. As the years went by and that happy scenario seemed less and less likely, I became depressed and no longer cared much. Why waste time and energy on a rental house anyway? When I finally moved in 2012, it felt wonderful to actually go through all of my possessions. I gave away items I no longer needed or used. Bags and bags of clothes that no longer fit were donated. I felt free. This is exactly what I need right now. When I complete my teaching certificate next December, I want to do so with a completely clean slate. I want to be able to fully move on to the next stage of my life.

So, why concentrate on home? Every family needs a home, right? It stands to reason that if I want to create the family I’ve longed for my entire life, we need a place to call our own. But, it involves so much more than just a house. It needs to function for me and the family I want to create. It is the first step in a long process. A family of my own is the first thing I can ever remember wanting out of life. After all of the heartache, many setbacks (just about anything you can imagine), and waiting, there is nothing standing in the way anymore. I am enough. I just figured it out way later than I would have liked. I am just glad that it is not too late.

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Oprah Video – You ARE Enough

AC Hoekwater – My One Little Word for 2016