Tag Archives: life

Electronic Clutter and Nostalgia

Russell Canoe Livery Employee Party 1998

Russell Canoe Livery Employee Party 1998

This picture highlights so many of my best memories from my childhood summers.  Front and center, barefoot and with a huge smile on my face, I look all of 12, even though I was probably 17 at the time.  There are several people in this picture who had a huge impact on my childhood.  Sadly, some are no longer with us.  Others have unforgivably grown up.  This is only one of several items that I came across today.  Papers from an honors course I took at Michigan State back in 2003 here.  Outlines for story ideas based on my study abroad experiences there.  It made me stop and wonder where I went so wrong.  I have my theories.

What happened to the optimistic girl from 1998?  Where is the girl from 2003 who is about to graduate from Michigan State and take on the world?  Are they still in me somewhere?  I sure hope so.  They would be so disappointed.

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Merida, Mexico 2003

Abre Los Ojos

It is time to take the blinders off.  I’ve spent the last several years busying myself with everything else except writing.  There is inspiration all around me.  I only need to make it a daily habit.  Today, after attending a wonderful local writing workshop, I dug out writing resources that I haven’t looked at in years.  It is time I get serious about various writing projects.  The issue is that I have several ideas.  Where do I begin?  Fortunately, I just need to set some deadlines and goals, along with basic confidence.

Hopefully, I’ll make a habit of taking a few minutes out of my day to share little things that make a good story.  Sadly, this past September did not go as planned and best-laid plans had to be set aside.  I can only hope that October isn’t quite as harsh.

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A Cracking of The Heart: The Life of Sarah Horowitz

A Cracking of the Heart

Goodreads Review – A Cracking of the Heart by David Horowitz

Where do I even begin?  First, A Cracking of the Heart is first physical book I’ve read in quite some time.  Lately I’ve only been reading Kindle version of books.  I mention this because I collect physical books, and frankly, I can’t stand when people bend pages to mark a page.  Well, there were so many passages that I want to remember and revisit that my hardcover version of the book is hopelessly dog-eared.  I will be rereading this particular book, possibly more than once.

It goes well beyond the fact that Sarah, the woman’s whose life is the subject of the book, and I share the diagnosis of Turner Syndrome.  Sadly, Sarah dealt with many more issues and complications than I ever have.  What strikes me most about Sarah’s journal entries and inner dialog in the book is that the struggles she discussed most are the same ones that I have battled most of my life.  It is stated that Sarah never adopted due to her concerns about her financial stability.  This is the reason why I am working so hard to achieve that financial stability.  Everything that I am currently doing in my life will eventually put me in a position to finally create the family I’ve always wanted – hopefully.  There is no other way.  I refuse to believe that I am not meant to have a family of my own.

One passage that deeply disturbed me is the detailed description of Sarah’s failed attempts at finding love.  She did fall in love.  That same man loved her.  However, it didn’t end in marriage.  Instead of choosing to marry Sarah and accepting her for who she was, Joel married another woman.  In the book he admits that he made a mistake, that at the time he was drawn to the physical, and that his resulting marriage only lasted a few years.  He implies that he should have married Sarah.  This is my worst fear writ large.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I love, and no matter what I achieve in life, men will not be able to look past my physical characteristics.  I have yet to be proven wrong.

meaning-of-life

If the truth be told, everyone let Sarah down – society in particular.  In her short life, she continually fought to be taken seriously, fought for her independence, and fought to achieve in spite of the physical obstacles she faced.  Her father, famous political commentator David Horowitz, implies that he regrets certain aspects of his relationship with his daughter.  Father and daughter happened to disagree politically.  Frankly, my personal political beliefs are more aligned with David’s; however, he makes a compelling case against Sarah being naïve or easily manipulated in her convictions.  Even though we may have been in serious disagreement politically, I like to believe that Sarah and I would have had a lot to share if we had ever met.  I love the fact that she, like so many women with Turner Syndrome, was stubborn to a fault.

There is so much in her life to which I can relate.  For example, I share her love of words.  She struggled to find her voice and found it difficult to write about her personal life.  Same here.  In the last decade of her life, she found solace in her Jewish faith.  I am just now discovering that organized religion might have something to offer after all.  It goes on and on.  I like to think that her faith offered her some sort of solace in all of the adversity she faced just to complete daily tasks that most of us take for granted.  It will be a long time before I read another book that touches me on such a deep emotional level.

You can read more about Sarah’s life and the book here.

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Leading By Example

admiration

http://nothingbutbonfires.com/2011/06/sixty-years-memories

As my brother, sister, and I work on a project for our Mom’s 60th birthday (see link above for more information on what we are doing), I can’t help but think about role models.  It is clear from the letters we’ve received so far that my Mom left a lasting impression on at least a few of her students.  Those letters, preparing for student teaching in the fall, all combined with working with my parents and brother on a daily basis at the canoe livery make it clear that I am once and for all right where I need to be.

I do not remember a time when I did want to be like my Grandpa B. and my Dad when I grew up.  I loved my Mom dearly, but I never wanted to be “just” a teacher (how awful this sounds now).  In the case of my little sister, that is all she ever wanted to be.  In fact, I admired her for her determination and having the sense of self to know what she wanted to do with her life from the time she was born.  I just knew that I needed to create.  I’m not sure when I made the connection between business and creativity, but I did.  I watched as my parents grew their business throughout my childhood.  I watched as Grandpa B. grew his during the same time period.  The funny thing is that as much as I admired both Grandpa and my Dad, they had vastly different visions for their businesses.

Neither my Dad or Grandpa started their respective businesses.  My parents purchased Russell Canoe Livery from my Grandma Reid, my Dad’s mom.  In the case of my Grandpa, he took over his grandfather’s business with his younger brother.  After my Dad lost his father to cancer, he and Grandma Reid kept the business running.  When my parents married in 1977, they purchased the canoe livery too.  I saw the early sacrifices they made to grow their business, and even though no one expressly said so, I always believed that my Dad was more concerned with creating a business around our family’s lifestyle than business itself.  During the summer business came first, but there always seemed to be time to make memories of our own as a family.

Grandpa, on the other hand, truly loved the convenience store business.  During summer time trips to the UP (the Upper Peninsula for those not from Michigan), we would stop at his convenience stores to see how things were going.  He constantly sought to expand his business and enter into new business ventures.  My Dad sought to innovate at the canoe livery as well, and did so successfully; however, he never had an interest to expand into new business opportunities.  As I later managed one of Grandpa’s convenience stores for a short time, I learned so much from both men.

Only fairly recently did I fully appreciate my Mom’s role in the success of the canoe livery.  As I have taken on more of her responsibilities, I have a new respect for all of those summers she worked while other teachers took much needed time off.  She continues to be the glue that makes everything work.  Late in her teaching career the superintendent at the time asked her why she never pursued her Master’s degree (she ended up with the equivalent).  She simply stated that she was too busy spending her summers building a business.  I include that here because it illustrates just how under appreciated my Mom’s contributions to the family business can be at times.  There is no doubt that my Mom had a successful 32 year teaching career.  I argue that her nearly 40 year career as a co-owner of a family business is just as successful.  She worries about how our Crystal Creek Campground will run without her.  As a future owner, I worry as well.  Our Crystal Creek customers love her, and I can’t imagine Crystal Creek without her.

The funny thing is that I am largely following in her footsteps.  Not Dad’s.  Not Grandpa B.’s.  Those men taught me so much about business and impacted my career in thousands of ways, but it is my Mom’s example I will follow.  I plan to teach and spend my summer’s continuing to build Russell Canoe Livery with my brother.  If I am half as successful as my Mom as both teacher and small business owner, I will do well.

home

The "back yard" of my childhood home:  Crystal Creek Campground.

The “back yard” of my childhood home: Crystal Creek Campground.

May

relax

Call it a casualty of having an overly full life, but I have no idea what happened to May.  It began with a quick getaway with my Mom and the end of one of the most trying semesters of my college career, Mother’s Day brought new hope and renewed faith, and Memorial Day signaled the unofficial start of my summer life.  I’ve wanted to write a post about motherhood and Mother’s Day for close to a month, and frankly, I doubt I can do my feelings justice.

Something felt different about Mother’s Day this year.  Even though in recent years I’ve been fortunate to spend Mother’s Day with my Mom and Grandma(s), the very thought of Mother’s Day was enough to make me break out in hives.  When I worked in retail, I had to keep my composure as customer after customer wished me a “Happy Mother’s Day!”  They all meant well, but they also had no idea how those words stung.  The first thing I remember wanting out of life – to be a mom – eluded me and continues to elude me, at least for now.  Even though I knew that I wanted to adopt in the future, I saw no way to do so.  Fortunately, I changed the circumstances of my life.

That is why this Mother’s Day felt so different.  There is nothing standing in my way now.  Winter semester 2016, now in the books, marked the last traditional semester of my teacher certification program, my second college career.  After completing my last class at the end of this month, only student teaching and extensive testing stand between me and my first teaching position.  I will finally be in a position to adopt and create a family of my own.  The sense of purpose – and peace – I have in my life now shapes everything I do and my future.  I know that I’ve talked about this before, but I did not expect to feel this way so soon.  I haven’t even taken classes to become a foster parent yet.  Above all, I needed to trust that I will make it happen.  I love knowing that it is now all up to me.

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Not My Mother’s Life

JK-Rowling-Quotes-Images-Wallpapers-Pictures-Photos

Getting Married is Not An Accomplishment – Natalie Brooke – Huffington Post

As my last semester as an undergrad comes to a close (student teaching not withstanding), I can’t help but wonder what my future will bring.  I finally came to the conclusion that I will have to create my own path.  There is no template in my family for what I am about to do.  My mother, and my grandmothers and great-grandmothers before her, married by age 21 and became a mother by age 24.  I do not know what single-parenthood looks like on a daily basis.  Am I confident that I can handle being a single mother?  Yes.  Is that what I intended for my life?  No.

Add in the process of becoming a foster parent and then adoption, and I am clearly in uncharted territory.  Fortunately, I’ve been preparing for this most of my life, and I am fortunate to know several people who have adopted and served as foster parents over the years.  I have resources.  Add in the fact that most of my family lives nearby, and I know that I can do this.  I also have a wonderful group of women with Turner Syndrome that I can lean on for support too.

In fact, a comment by a fellow woman with Turner Syndrome really made me think.  Her statement summarizes what I’ve been feeling for much of my teenage years and then my adult life and nails it.

“What feels lacking is the status given to women for their fertility – and precious little else.  I think we are in the *perfect* position to blow that ideology back to where it came from and help people learn of different ways to make a family and make a life.”

Unless you’ve lived through infertility, I don’t think people recognize the extent to which women are still valued for their fertility.  That brings me to the article above.  As a society, we celebrate marriages and births.  Women are still largely defined through family and marriage.  While privately our family and friends might celebrate our academic and career accomplishments, they are not celebrated in the same way in our society.  Why not?  Who says that one has to marry to create a family?  That may be ideal, but it just might not work for everyone.

Why should I wait until I meet the right man before I pursue my dream of having a family of my own?  I already spent ten years with someone who was not right for me in the hopes that we would get married and start a family.  It turns out that he did want a family, just not with me.  As difficult as those lessons were, I am much stronger for it.  After letting go of that relationship, I was finally free to start pursuing my dreams again.  It wasn’t that my ex prevented me for pursuing them.  Instead I found myself holding back until the timing was “right” and focusing on “us” when there never truly was an “us,” at least not as how I perceived it should be.

Frankly, I would love to meet the right man, someone with whom I can share my life.  If it doesn’t happen, it isn’t the end of the world.  As I go through the process of becoming a foster parent and adopting, I am going to focus on myself and what I want out of life.  I am in a position to create the life that I want.  I might as well make the most of it.

quote jk rowling

What’s Next? – Part 2

test-quotes-2

Few things are most frustrating than feeling ready to move on to the next chapter of your life, and yet, there are several loose ends to take care of before being able to do so.  That is exactly what I am experiencing at the moment.  I still have to finish up this semester.  There are still plenty of field work experiences, papers to write, and projects left to complete.  I still have one more class to take this spring.  After all of that, I still have student teaching, as well as MTTC and OPI testing to compete.  I know it will all be worth it in the end, but it just seems as though it is taking me longer than necessary.  The problem is that I am, by nature, impatient once I have made up my mind about something.

The funny thing is that I truly believe that my experience going back to school to earn my teaching certificate is training for the adoption process I will begin shortly.  There will be surprises along the way, and endless hoops to jump through, quite possibly for years, but when I think about actually completing the adoption process, I get overwhelmed.  Quite simply, it will be one of the greatest days of my life.

will

What’s Next? – Part 1

fine

May I say that I hate the quote “Put on a little lipstick, you’ll be fine”?  It just gives false hope that good intentions and a positive attitude can get you everything you need out of life.  I am tired of well-meaning people telling me that I will eventually met someone, that I am right where I am meant to be.  What if I am not?  What if I end up alone, even though that wasn’t how it was supposed to be?  What if I took a seriously wrong turn somewhere?  I’ve done precisely that more than once.  I am still paying for my naiveté and the one chance I took on a relationship.  I know that this seems so overblown, but I’ve been here before.  That is exactly what terrifies me.  It did not end well.

Fortunately, I am not the same person I was at 23.  As much as I would love to believe that things will be different this time, I can’t help but recognize how quickly my life is changing.  This is my last regular semester of my teaching certificate program.  I recently received my student teaching assignment for this fall.  December 2016, pending mandatory testing, I will have my teaching certificate and will be off to begin a new career.  I will have to adjust to not being a student once again.  I am terrified.  I won’t have an excuse to put things off anymore.

There will then be nothing standing between me and starting the adoption process.  I am planning for it to take several years, so as I wait to finally start a family after all of these years, I’ll hopefully settle into a new teaching career.  I have no idea how I am going to reconcile the fact that I want to share my life with someone with the blatant fact that I can’t see it happening for several reasons.  There really isn’t even anyone to date at this point.  I just hope that one day, the right man will come along and prove me completely wrong.

rebirth

My Political Heart

politics 3

Yes, I will vote anyway.

Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that I will always be a political person.  I care too much.  As much as I would love to just ignore politics, messy as they currently are, I can’t help myself.  Frankly, it is tearing me up inside.  As a libertarian who is fiscally conservative and generally socially liberal, I am represented nowhere.  The politicians I support either are far too smart to run for the office of President, unwilling to play the necessary game, or already out of the running due to the same issue.  Any of those individuals could also be described as far too nice as well.

I’d love to become more politically involved, but I do not have the stomach for it.  I am so sick of the constant blame on all sides, the unwillingness on all sides to solve the real issues, and identity politics.  I refuse to be told how to vote due to the fact that I am a woman, the fact that I am a college student and a future teacher.  I am also a future small business owner who values fiscal responsibility, which by the way, I see from neither party.  I am extremely angry at a party leadership that does its best to suppress the will of the people and fails to address the real issues facing their party members.  By the way, I am talking about the leadership of both political parties.  Neither are working to address the real issues faced by younger voters, those who are struggling financially, or those who have given up.  On the left, Bernie Sanders garners popular support while realistically never having a chance due to the Democratic Party rules that allow for super delegates, helping Clinton pull away in the delegate count in spite of tepid support.  On the right, the Republican Party leadership – the “establishment,” whatever that is – is throwing everything it has at Trump.  Both political parties are ignoring the real issues facing their supporters.

What upsets me the most is that there is no room for compromise anymore.  As a result, nothing gets accomplished.  So many people get wrapped up in their political beliefs that they do not even want to talk to someone with different political beliefs.  It deeply saddens me.  I have friends with vastly different political views than mine.  I respect that.  Everyone has a reason for their political views.  I have deeply held beliefs and experiences that underscore mine.  Why is it so hard to believe that there is more than one way to look at the world?  Unfortunately, I am not sure when basic respect left political discussion in the US, but it most certainly has.

What am I left with in this situation?  I am not sure.  I can only hope that things get better.  I would love to get politically involved, but how do I do just that when I don’t fully support any of the current candidates?  Yes, the traditional political system is broken.  Here’s to hoping that it can be fixed and that we can all listen to one another once again.

politics 2

politics 1