Tag Archives: rejection

What Makes Us Unique?

WordPress, which I love, has a new feature that provides a writing prompt each day. One that caught my attention was “what makes someone unique?” The idea of individuality – ie uniqueness – gets right at the heart of what it means to be human. Sadly, there are times when our individuality sets us apart from the rest of society due to no fault of our own.

When do we learn in elementary school that the “other” is not OK? I’d love to think that things have changed since I was bullied in early elementary school due to my appearance, mostly height and weight, but I’m not that naive. I’ve watched in recent years as various school districts have tried to address the root of bullying with varying degrees of success. Unfortunately, it all starts at home. Children need to learn from a young age that we are all different. We all have different talents and ambitions, as well as strengths and weaknesses. All of us – all eight billion people on Earth – face challenges at different stages in life.

There are certain things that a person may experience in life that no one will fully understand unless they have been through it – or something similar. For example, unless you have lost a parent or a child, it is impossible to truly understand that level of grief. It is similar when dealing with infertility. Unless you are affected, it is impossible to imagine the depth to which it alters one’s life.

Aside from all that sets us apart from one another, including our challenges, there are interests. My interests are vastly different from that of my siblings or parents. I’m used to it, and over the years, I’ve developed those interests through various opportunities and friendships, both in real life and online.

If I had one wish for students today, it would be for them to have all the resources necessary to first find their interests and then have the ability and support to pursue them further. How many people have stopped doing something they enjoy simply because someone discouraged them, saying they had no talent? I see and hear about it all of the time. It saddens and sickens me. We should be encouraging healthy interests, as well as providing students outlets to develop them. For example, a student who enjoys art should be encouraged to pursue that interest as much as possible, even if there is no interest in making art a career.It comes down to expectations. At times, we focus so much on making ends meet that we need to make a life. We need to teach students that there is so much more to life than material things. It is more than OK to be yourself. You need to be your authentic self.

The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You – Part 1

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Ah, Texas. Where do I even begin? First, there is my own history in both Austin and Houston. To make a long story short, I adored Austin and hated Houston. Go figure. My Texan friends tried to warn me. Either way, I spent just under a year and a half in the lone star state, and everything that happened during those times (Austin and Houston) still shape who I am today.

First, there was Austin. In 2002, I worked at Applied Materials as a co-op from June to December. I hated it at first, but soon, it became all I wanted after graduation from MSU: good job, good friends, and good music – maybe love. It really was as simple as that. As much as I enjoyed all the wonderful times I had there, the near catastrophes are what really stick in my mind.

On July 24^th, 2002, I survived a major car accident: a moving truck turned in front me of while I had a green light. While I walked away from the accident with a broken big toe and metatarsal (that is how hard I braked), along with a few minor scrapes and bruises, any passenger probably would have been killed. Considering that I used to haul my brother around in my 1989 Grand Prix all the time, that shook me. What if he had been with me?

The accident itself took place out on 290 just before Applied Materials. I’d been on my way to work, and I later found out that my boss witnessed my crash. Somehow, I had many people looking out for me that day. One witness to the accident happened to be a nurse, and she stayed with me until the ambulance arrived. While I have almost no memory of anything until the hospital – probably due to shock – the Texas State Trooper who came to interview me about the crash couldn’t have been nicer. Then again, the accident clearly wasn’t my fault.

My mom, of course, was on the next flight out. When she arrived, she helped me manage buying a new car and finding a lawyer. We did both in style, and somehow, I negotiated my three-story walk-up sublet apartment in a splint up to my thigh. Mom, forced to drive in a completely unfamiliar city in an era before ubiquitous turn by turn navigation, marveled at how I already knew the streets and layout of Austin in such a short period of time. I still have fond memories of the few days Mom and I spent together in Austin.

Then, approximately a month or so after my accident, still in a walking cast and attending physical therapy, I found out that I could only sublet my apartment until the end of August, not the six months I had been promised and needed. I needed a new place to live yesterday. I panicked for a hot minute – and then rose to the occasion. Fortunately for me, Applied Materials had an internal classified section on their intranet. I started there. In the end, I found a wonderful roommate – a single mom who had worked at Applied for nearly a decade at that point – who owned a beautiful home minutes from work. I am still in touch with Karen today.

I could write almost endlessly about the time I spent with friends, including attending the first Austin City Limits Festival (now an institution), meeting Cheryl, the party we threw for Andy, and so, so much more. As I’ve said before, leaving Austin on a rainy, icy December morning, my heart shattered. Not so much with Houston.

So many friends tried to warn me about Houston. I wouldn’t be happy there. It started off well enough. My senior year at Michigan State, I intended to end up in Texas in any way possible. I made it to second round interviews with Applied Materials. Ultimately, they only took half of the engineers and supply chain people they interviewed. It did not help that my manager left before he could even evaluate me. In the end, I had no one on the inside fighting for me. I also ended up going through second round interviews at Dell. Less than a week after graduation, I ended up at FMC Energy Systems in Houston purchasing parts for wellheads. Frankly, it was a great first job – until it wasn’t. When I initially interviewed, I interviewed with five people in our department. By the time I left less than a year later, only two were still there – one on long-term medical leave. I won’t go on and on about Houston. There isn’t that much to tell: Wrong job, wrong city, wrong time, and wrong man. I think that about sums it up. We headed back to Michigan exhausted and broken.

I intended to write a post discussing my family’s history in Texas, which will now be part two; instead, it became a post describing my personal history in Texas. Looking back, I truly became an adult in Texas. I had some wonderful times, along with my share of disappointments. As much as I loved Austin, there is a reason none of it worked out. If Houston hadn’t ended in disaster and I hadn’t ended up back in Michigan, I wouldn’t have known my Grandpa Buttrick nearly as well. I belong in Michigan, even if a little piece of my heart will always be in Texas.

I didn’t know it at the time, but by running off to Texas, I was participating in a well-established family tradition going back generations.

Stay tuned for part two …

Texas

Best Laid Plans – Family

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Life

I’ve put off writing about my personal life for many reasons, but the main one is the simple fact that I must come to terms with my reality versus what I’ve wanted my entire life. It is not easy, and sooner or later, choices must be made.

I never expected to be single and childless nearing 40. Anyone telling me that I should be happy to be so thoroughly unattached doesn’t know me at all. It never should have been this hard.

As a child, after I learned about Turner Syndrome and infertility, any conversation about infertility included phrases like “don’t worry, the technology will catch up to you” – my well-meaning mother referring to IVF – or some vague mention of adoption.

I’ve long known that adoption was what I wanted for myself. I couldn’t imagine putting myself through round after round of IVF only to have it not work. Physically, I might have been OK, but emotionally, I don’t know how I could knowingly do that to myself time and time again.

In a sense, Mom was right. IVF is more accessible and successful than ever. It still doesn’t change the fact that failure is the most common outcome. It doesn’t change the fact that I would need donor eggs. Most important of all, it doesn’t change the fact that there are so many children who need love and a home – now.

Then why am I so hesitant when it comes to adoption? That is a trickier question. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I will be doing this alone. Somehow, I never thought I’d end up being single. Even though I barely dated in high school, I thought I’d meet the right man in college. In fact, I counted on it.

Oh, I could write a book on how I met all the wrong boys at Michigan State and across the world – or I should say, a handful of well-intentioned boys who never saw me as anything but a little sister. One actually said that to my face. I intentionally use the term boys here; I have yet to date a man.

Why am I always good enough for friendship and that’s it? During my time at MSU, I lost a lot of weight, and the resulting male attention still leaves me unspeakably angry. I was still the same smart, well-intentioned girl who can be fun and funny once you get to know her. Only my weight changed. One day I wasn’t worth knowing; the next, I didn’t know what to do. While I wasn’t exactly drowning in male attention, I noticed. It became all too clear.

Why should I have to change some arbitrary characteristic to be happy? That is an awful message to send to anyone – but as a society, we do it all day, every day.

I suppose I should worry about myself and pursue parenthood on my own. That is exactly what I intend to do. Yet, there is such a huge piece of my life missing. I never wanted it to be this way. Hopefully, I’ll be pleasantly surprised and finally meet the right man. Unfortunately, that takes an incredible leap of faith living in Arenac County.

What it comes down to is that I am tired. I am tired of being rejected before someone gets to truly know me. I am tired of being lied to repeatedly. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of watching everyone else find their person, knowing that it probably won’t happen for me.

Above all, I am tired of feeling not enough. I am enough. It is time I started acting like it.

The biggest obstacle I face, aside from all that comes with foster care and/or adoption (by the way, anyone who thinks it is easy knows nothing about either), is trust. Being on the receiving end of lying and cheating will do that to a person, particularly when that is your only experience in a relationship.

How can I bring myself to ever trust again? Yet, I must. I refuse to let one bad relationship, no matter how long or awful, have the last word on love.

By the way, if you are concerned about me after reading this, don’t be. I will be fine no matter what happens. I am just incredibly frustrated and see no easy fix. People may question why I share something so intensely personal. It is for this simple reason: I do not want anyone in a similar situation to feel alone. He or she is not alone.

boots

New Beginnings

Book Review: Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis

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Girl

I recently read Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis per my sister’s recommendation. Actually, it all started with the meme above. I then found out that my sister loved the book. Of course, it immediately moved to the top of my to be read pile. I love the fact that I belong to a family that shares and recommends books!

Here are a few gems from the book and my thoughts. There are many more I could share here, but I will leave you to discover them yourself. I highly recommend the Kindle version of the book as it allows the reader to highlight important passages without defacing a physical book.

Sometimes choosing to walk away, even if it means breaking your own heart, can be the greatest act of self-love you have access to. – Page 53.

This just seems to sum up the process I put myself through this summer. The sad part is that I should have definitively learned this lesson years ago. I wish everyone, women and men, knew this before heading off to college – or shortly thereafter. It ultimately would have saved me so much time and heartache.

I knew I was letting my fear control me, that the worry about giving my heart away again only to have it stomped on kept me from taking a next step. In the midst of such heartache, it’s hard not to worry. I cried so many tears, thinking, Lord, why would you put this desire on my heart if it wasn’t ever going to come true? And, God, if we try again, you’re not actually sending my heart out to be slaughtered, right? – Page 108.

Oh, have I been there! More than once. There are times when I still wonder how I will ever be able to trust again. It is not easy to pick ourselves up and try again. Yet, we must.

I want you to see someone who kept showing up again and again, even when it was tearing her apart. I want you to see someone who kept walking in faith because she understood that God’s plan for her life was magnificent – even if it was never easy. And even if it wasn’t easy, she was bold and courageous and honest even when the truth was hard to share. – Page 173

I admit, lately I have struggled to have faith that God does indeed have a plan for my life. I am currently slogging through it all to figure out exactly what that plan is. If I am meant to have a family of my own, why haven’t I been able to make it work yet? Why is that the big unnegotiable of my life if, indeed, it is impossible? I ask myself questions similar to this all the time. Ultimately, it is not my timing, but God’s. It will eventually work out. Until then, I just need to be patient and keep working. It will never be easy.

As you can see, I loved the book. It is a great example of a book that came into my life at the exact time I needed to read it. I happened to read it just as I was struggling with these questions. While I would recommend the book to every young woman I know, it doesn’t mean I think the book is perfect.

If fact, in one sense, the book left me feeling unsettled. It is a feeling I get whenever I get too involved in anything related to religion. What no one seems to address in organized religion – and Rachel seems to unintentionally fall into this – is that not all women will end up married and become mothers. Singles in the church, particularly those no longer in their twenties, seem to get left behind. Whether explicit or implicit, the focus always seems to be on marriage and family.

While I think Rachel was right to spend much of her book focused on marriage and motherhood – after all, this book shares her life experiences – she doesn’t address what happens if you do end up alone. She doesn’t even seem to acknowledge the possibility even though she goes out of the way to address situations not her own. This may not be true, but it appears she assumes everyone will end up married and a mother. A simple acknowledgement would have served the book well. Then again, maybe I am reading way too much into this and too sensitive. It doesn’t matter. The book itself is great, and I highly recommend it.

By the way, I love how she addresses adoption in this book. I am so glad I read this book before I started the adoption process. Her family’s story related to foster care and adoption is not an easy one, but it does have a wonderful outcome. In the end, that is all that matters.

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