This fall, a certain set of circumstances made me begin to doubt myself in a way I never knew was possible. As I have stated so many times here, the very first thing I ever remember wanting out of life is a family of my own. For me, that means adoption. I have questioned whether I will be able to do it on my own for quite some time, but this fall was different. It was personal in a way I never imagined, and I began to doubt whether I truly want to be a mother at all.
It became a slippery slope, and I began to question everything in my life. What do I really want? I shouldn’t still be asking these questions at 36 (now 37). I have failed so many times on so many levels that I began to wonder what is so fundamentally wrong with me. After a while, I let go of certain dreams. I would love to meet the right man, get married, and adopt. After all this time, I am beginning to doubt that it will ever happen.
Over these last few trying weeks, I realized that I can’t give up on my dream of having a family. I am supposed to be a mother. Giving up on that dream, even briefly, left me absolutely devastated. I will eventually be exactly where I need to be. Until then, I will keep trying. That is all I can do at this point.
Even as I write this, I wonder why I am sharing something so intensely personal. As always, it comes down to this: I know that I am not the only one struggling with these decisions. If someone else can benefit by realizing that he or she is not alone, it will be more than worth it.